What do I do if I am a toxic friend?

7 signs of toxicity in friendship and all the solutions

An amazing friendship is worth a lot. You feel inspired, supported and seen. Friends bring out the best in us. Having our friends around makes our life an exciting adventure. But friendships are also complicated relationships that operate according to their own unique set of rules. If your friendship is on the rocks, you might ask yourself; am I the toxic friend? You might also ask; what to do if you are indeed the toxic friend?

You can heal your friendship

Let’s check out the different versions of a toxic friend and see if you fit into one (or several) of them; let’s also solve the problem.

The fact that you are self-aware enough to even ask the question “What to do if I’m the toxic friend?” already tells me that you are the kind of friend who is willing to work on themselves and improve. You are probably not as toxic as you think.

1. You always talk about yourself and your problem

We all have had at least a friend who is too self-absorbed. They always talk about themselves and about their problem. We are left feeling like an unpaid underappreciated therapist.

Examine your behavior

This is the most normal form of toxicity in a friendship. Take an honest look at yourself and ask who is doing all the talking and if you require an unreasonable amount of emotional support

The solution

This problem is relatively easy to solve. All you have to do is practice listening.

Aim at talking an equal amount when you meet your friend. Make sure you ask your friend a lot of questions. Also leave her space to answer those questions.

Ask for her help

If talking too much is your problem, you should address that problem. Apologies to your friend and ask your friend to support you in your quest to become a better listener. You can ask her to gently remind you when you are indeed talking too much.

2. You feel jealousy of your friend

This is another very common form of toxicity and a tricky one.

I’m not going to lie; it is easy to feel jealous of our friends. It is also easy to constantly suffer from envy.

As humans, we are naturally most jealous of people close to us. We like to compare ourselves and since we are also wired to see obstacles, the combination is a lethal cocktail.

Admit to your shortcomings

Envy and jealousy can also be difficult feelings to admit. Maybe you feel irritated with your friend, but you don’t know exactly why. To admit that you are jealous takes a certain form of bravery. It’s also the first step toward a solution.

The solution

Life is unfair. There is no way around it. Your friend might have a lot of things going for her. She might be both beautiful and successful. That’s probably one of the reasons you liked her to begin with.

Improve the relationship you have with yourself

Your jealousy is about you and the relationship you have with yourself. At the end of the day, it has nothing to do with your friend. The world is full of beautiful, successful people.

To get rid of jealousy, you have to strengthen your self-identity and form your own life mission. So yeah, getting rid of jealousy is neither easy nor fast. But the person you will be on the other side will thank you.

Practice gratefulness

When you feel jealousy bubble up, interrupt your thoughts and force yourself to think about something else.

Preferably something you are grateful for. You can also keep a gratefulness diary. You should also put your focus back on the fact that we all have our unique challenges. The challenges you face (no matter how unfair) are also a possibility to becoming a better person.

3. You try to put your friend down

If you are guilty of this behavior, yes, you are a toxic friend. Friends should be caring and supportive.

They should make each other feel better. I know you sometimes want to dish out some harsh truths, but your friend is doing her best. Making her feel bad, in any way, doesn’t help the situation.

Are you guilty of any of these behaviors?

Do you catch yourself giving your friend unsolicited advice, maybe making rude comments? Or telling her thing you know going to hurt her? Are you getting irritated and snappy around your friend?

The solution

You put your friend down because you don’t feel happy with yourself. The relationship we have with ourselves is reflected back in our friendships as well as in romantic relationships.

Do you put yourself down? Maybe even make rude comments towards yourself in your inner monologue?

Change how you talk to yourself

To manage to be nice and non-toxic with your friends, you need to improve the relationship you have with yourself.

Stop putting yourself down; as a result, you will stop putting your friend down.

Being negative and rude is not OK in any relationship, and it is especially not OK in your relationship with yourself. Many of us are our own worst critics.

4. You play games with your friend

Being manipulative is a hallmark of any toxic person.

Check out our deep-diving article about manipulative behavior, do you recognize yourself?

Are you hot and cold?

A manipulative person can also be very kind and loving. That’s the other side of the coin. If you often find yourself trying to get things (such as attention) from other people, chances are that you are manipulative.

Another sign is that you are unpredictable in your affection, warm one day and cold the next.  

The solution

You can improve all your relationship by not utilizing manipulative behavior. People can always sense when they are being manipulative, and they instinctively don’t like it. Especially not in the long run.

Learn about manipulative behavior and make an effort not to use it in your interactions.

Express your needs

The opposite of being manipulative is to clearly and consistently express your need.

For example, I need more quality time together with you; why don’t we grab coffee next week? Or; I’m exhausted and I need to spend the weekend alone; let’s check in again next weekend.

Being a good communicator (as opposed to being a manipulator) is about being aware of your needs and clearly expressing them.

5. You behave unpredictably around your friend

This behavior is similar to being manipulative. But being unpredictable is also about you sometimes wanting to spend time with your friend and sometimes ignoring her. Or you might shower her with attention during certain periods of time and at other times be cold and totally ignore her.

Not being consistent in your communication and overall behavior is highly toxic and will damage the relationship. If you do this, you are indeed a toxic friend.

The solution

Reflect on your behavior. Self-awareness is the first step towards showing up more consistently.

Going hot and cold usually means that there are things about your friendship that triggers you. But those things need to be clearly addressed by having a conversation.

What is the root cause of your behavior?

Ask yourself why you pull away and what your need is in that situation. Work towards improving the friendship and don’t let yourself get away by treating your friend in an inconsistent way.

6. You need a huge amount of attention from your friend

The core of many friendships is to support each other, but when this is taken too far, the friendship turns toxic.

You should not rely too much on your friends for emotional and practical support.

A lot of things in your life you will have to learn to deal with yourself. It’s part of being a confident, well-rounded person.

Examine your own behavior and ask yourself about all the different ways you rely on your friend?

If she keeps giving you attention without getting the same amount of care in return, she will eventually get enough of you and she will label you a toxic friend.

The solution

Friendships should have a healthy exchange of support and emotional care. It’s important to find the right balance. Don’t expect too much from your friend in terms of support.

Try to practice supporting yourself and figuring things out for yourself. Every time you want to ask her for help, stop yourself and try to solve the problem yourself.

7. You constantly try to change your friend

Yes, your friend might need to choose better men.

She might also need to switch careers and get a new haircut and start wearing more makeup.

You only point out things that are in her best interests, and she often agrees with your feedback.

Feedback is not always how a friend should behave

But if you are worried that you are a toxic friend, you need to take a couple of huge steps back.

You are her friend, not her life coach. (Not her Tony Robbins.)

It is also easy to stand on the side-line and point out what a person should and shouldn’t do. She could probably tell you one or two things that need improvement in your life.

To have a strong friendship, it’s important that you respect your friend for who she is and that you don’t constantly try to change her.

The solution

It can be hard to see someone make mistakes, but at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own life. To have a healthy friendship, you need to accept her friend as she is, with all her shortcomings. That is true love.

If you had a romantic partner who constantly gave you unsolicited advice, you would not appreciate it, it’s the same thing with friendship.

Be aware of your tendency to want to fix her. Instead, give her space to be herself and you will be a splendid friend.

A Final note

Friendships are great. They are an important component of a happy successful life. Check out our article about The secrets to strong friendships for more advice on how to be an amazing friend.

Make sure you work on your friendship and reflect on who you are as a friend. You want strong long-lasting friendships. We all do.