What should I look for when dating a divorced man?

We help you navigate dating a divorced man

You like him. He likes you. All great news. Only one little thing; he is divorced. Your mind is all over the important question; what should I look for when dating a divorced man?

What went wrong in his marriage?

Yes, he has been married, and now the marriage has ended, and here you are, looking into the eyes of a handsome divorcée and wondering why she let him go?

Or what he possibly did wrong in his last relationship?

You also wonder if you should continue to see him or step away from the fire before it’s too late?

These are the four main things you should consider:

1. How does he treat and talk about his ex-wife?
2. Is he ready for a serious commitment?
3. Is he rushing into a new relationship without properly having dealt with the divorce?
4. When dating a divorced man, respect your own boundaries and carefully think about what you want your new relationship to look like. Don’t lose yourself and your desires just because you date a divorced man.

Everything you need to know about a divorced man

Except for these four main things, there are many other things to consider when dating a divorced man. Continue reading, and I will tell you everything you need to know.

My story about dating two divorced men

I have been in your situation twice; the first was a train crash, but the second one is still going strong. We are dating, and we have just started talking about marriage and what it would mean for him to give marriage a second chance.

What are you willing to sacrifices?

You can be successful when dating a divorced man, but there are a lot of things to look out for. You have to be very clear on what you are prepared to sacrifice to make the relationship work. Because one thing I can tell you, there will be sacrifices.

Understanding the divorced man

A divorce is a traumatic experience for most people. When you are dating a divorced man, you have to consider that he has been hurt. You also have to be prepared for the fact that he comes with a certain amount of baggage. No one leaves a marriage unshattered.

How does he handle the divorce?

There is bound to be resentment and bitterness. How he handles his divorce, and his ex-wife will tell you a lot about who he is as a person and where he is at an emotional level.

Does he have children?

This is even more true if there are children involved in the situation. If he has children together with his ex-wife, she will always be part of his life, and she will also be part of your life.

You have to learn how to navigate the relationship with his children or child. This is a big undertaking and one you need to consider carefully.

My experiences with guy number one

The first divorcee I dated was a textbook example of everything you should avoid.

He was tangled in a bitter custody battle over his son. He genuinely hated his ex-wife, and still, he was somehow compelled to deal with her on a daily basis.

I fell for him because he really needed me. I made a difference in his life.

Is the relationship equal?

It was only a year later, when my best friend asked me how the relationship was working for me, that I realized that he was destroying me as I was helping him.

I simply sacrificed too much.

That’s the thing about a relationship when you get together with someone, to a certain extent, you make their problem your problem. This guy had a lot of problems, and I went along for the ride.

All divorcees are unique

Understanding him is crucial when you decide to start dating a divorced man.

No divorce is entirely similar to another divorce. Human relationships are messy, and nowhere is this clearer than when it comes to a divorce. All divorced men are unique and come with their unique set of challenges.

Understanding him is important

But understanding your divorced man better will help you navigate your budding relationship, and that’s why we are here.

When you are ready, and when you think he is ready, ask him questions about his marriage.

You will learn a lot about him as a person by the way he reflects on his failures.

Benefits of dating a divorced man

Before we deal with all the problems, let’s look at some of the positive sides of dating a divorced man.

First and foremost, he is not afraid of serious commitment. Having a serious relationship leads to emotional maturity and also a lot of lessons about what it takes to cohabit with a romantic partner.

Your new man is experienced when it comes to relationships, not damaged goods.

Everyone has a past

Most people have a history of long-term relationships, some of them spanning years or decades. (Not having any past long-term relationships is a bit of a red flag.)

So, there is nothing strange about dating a divorced man. You should not let the fact that he is divorced stop you from dating him.

Want to find out more about mature men? Read our article What does a 40-year-old man want in a relationship?

Don’t let his divorce intimidate you

If you feel intimidated by the fact that he has been married, think about his marriage as a long-term relationship.

Be grateful for the fact that he is a man who wanted a long-term relationship and was prepared to work to make that relationship work.

Don’t get to hang up on the terms of marriage and divorce. They mean different things to different people.

Red flags of dating a divorced man

When you first start dating a divorced man, there is a couple of red flags you should be looking out for. Pay attention to how he talks about his marriage and his ex-wife; a certain amount of disappointment is natural.

But he should still respect her. He should have a well-balanced opinion of why the relationship didn’t work out.

He should take at least some responsibility for why his marriage ended.

Bitterness is a poison

If he is too bitter when it comes to her and the divorce, this is a red flag and a situation you properly don’t want to get involved in.

If he talks too negatively about his ex, this is a clear sign that he hasn’t processed the divorce. Step away from the relationship and give him time to heal.

Being negative toward relationships are a red flag

Another red flag that can be present when dating a divorced man is that he has negative associations with commitment.

Look out for this when dating a divorced man, he might think he is ready for a relationship, but if he is angry and disillusioned with all relationships, you should stay away from him.

He might say things like; all relationships are unhappy and end badly.

Is he ready for a new relationship?

Since he made a commitment and that didn’t work out, he might have hostile feelings towards commitment, generally speaking. You don’t want him to bring too many of these feelings into your new relationship.

This problem can manifest by him having doubts about commitment.

You are not his savior

Don’t feel like you are the one that has to convince him that a relationship can be happy and fulfilling. If he has too much unresolved anger towards serious, committed relationships such as marriage, it might be good not to pursue a relationship with him.

A rushed relationship is a red flag

Another red flag is the divorced man who rushes into a new relationship.

He is hungry for love and connection. He wants to move on too quickly. This happens all the time. Some people are just not capable of being on their own.

Be sure you evaluate him

The problem with rushing into a new relationship is that we haven’t carefully evaluated if this new person is the right person for us.

We are so consumed by the fear of being alone that we don’t even look to see if the new partner is a good fit for us.

Are the two of you a good match?

A couple of months down the road, you might discover that he wasn’t into you. He was just into the idea of quickly having a new relationship.

When you ask yourself what you should look for when dating a divorced man, look at if the two of you are indeed a good match?

How about the future? Do you want the same kind of future? Do you share the same values? Do you have common interests and hobbies that can unite you for years to come?

Ask those bigger questions

Those bigger questions are extra important when you are dating a divorced man.

You don’t want to waste your time on a man who doesn’t share enough of your life goals. You can also read our article How do you know if you are dating the right person? to find out more things to be on the lookout for.

My experience with guy number two

When I met the man I’m dating right now, I was almost choking on my spaghetti when he told me he had been married. I wanted to get up and leave our romantic dinner, I was not ready for another divorcee.

I had had enough of divorced men for the rest of my life.

Only my politeness made me stay for dessert

I treated him as a friend, and we talked about our previous relationship and our goals for the future.

We had so much in common; we both wanted to live in another country.

Hesitantly I said yes to another date, and then another.

He was ready for a new chance

Constantly looking for red flags and the drama I was sure would follow. But there was none. He was on good terms with his ex-wife, he didn’t seem to regret the marriage with her, and he was truly ready for the next chapter in his life.

Tips for dating a divorced man

Take thing slow

The first tips are to take things slow. Give him plenty of time and space to find himself after the divorce. Don’t pressure him to commit. Consider if he is the right man for you.

Accept his children

If he has children, you have to navigate carefully. His children will most likely be his top priority. The more accepting you can be of his children, the better.

Don’t compete with his ex-wife

Jealousy is a dangerous beast.

It is easy to become jealous when someone has been married, even if you normally are not the jealous type.

Be nice towards yourself, it is normal to feel a bit of jealousy towards his marriage. But don’t spend too much time thinking about her. Things didn’t work out with her for a reason, just like your previous relationship didn’t work out.

Let go of his past

Sure, they had a life together. But the chapter of his life is over now. He is starting a new chapter with you. Focus on your love story, not on the past.

We as humans have a tendency to compare ourselves with others, but this is not a fruitful strategy. Our lives are only ours.

Dating a divorced man with baggage

Sadness and frustration are a natural part of life. Failure is a natural part of life.

You want to respect this side of him; a certain amount of grief is justified when it comes to a divorce. Meet him in this place and listen to him. Be there for him when he wants to talk about his former marriage.

Respect his past

This marriage of his is a part of him and a part that you should accept.

View the baggage as part of him, and you will have an easier time navigating dating a divorced man with baggage.

Respect your own boundaries

When you are dating a divorced man with baggage, it’s important that you keep checking in with yourself.

This new relationship is also your relationship, and you are entitled to expect things from him and from the relationship.

A divorce is not a free pass to act like an idiot.

The more respectful he can be toward you and your needs, the more you will know that he is a keeper.

Make sure you are comfortable with the phase of the relationship

Don’t allow his baggage to become your baggage.

You have things that are important to you. Allow him to take things slow, but also ask yourself if you are comfortable with the phase things are moving at?

Make sure you don’t compromise too much with what you want from a romantic relationship.

How to get a divorced man to fall in love with you

This task will be a fun one, because a divorced man generally knows what he wants from a woman and from a relationship. He also has a pretty good idea about what he doesn’t want.

Read our article What makes a man fall in love, for all insider knowledge on the subject.

Bring joy to his life

A divorced man will really appreciate someone who is fun and easygoing and who brings a lot of adventure to the relationship. Make him fall in love with you by having a great time. If he sees you enjoying yourself, he will feel good about himself.

Also, make sure you are having a lot (and I mean a lot) of amazing sex.

You can also read our in-depth guide How to make someone fall in love with you.

Go on adventures

Suggest doing things he hasn’t done in a long time, show a genuine interest in his hobbies, and have deep conversations about who he is as a person.

Make him fall in love with you by being an amazing person to be around and by making him feel really special about who he is, failed marriage and all.

A Final Note

Don’t let the fact that he has been married destroy your chances at a happily ever after.

Many people find the right person after a failed first marriage.

When you are dating a divorced man, look for how he treats his past and how freely he is willing to move into the future.