Is online dating a waste of time?

We help you figure out the answer once and for all

I have been on more than 40 first dates thanks to Tinder and Bumble. None of them was a success. I’m still very much single, even though I would love to have a relationship. So, when you wonder if online dating is a waste of time, I feel you.

The outcome is uncertain

Been there, drunken the cheap wine, and listened to the stale conversation of yet another Tinder date going down the drain.

Online dating is certainly a game where the outcome does not in any way relate to the effort you put in. Some people go on exactly three dates, find someone amazing, and get married.

Other people, like myself, are left on the sideline, wondering if online dating is a waste of time?  

Define what your ultimate outcome would be

First of all, you have to define what you mean by a waste of time. What do you hope to achieve through online dating?

I’m guessing you probably want to meet someone special, fall in love and have your feelings being reciprocated?

I think it’s important that you are very clear and honest about what you want. This will actually increase your chances of achieving your goal and maybe even help you feel that online dating is worth your time.

Getting laid, anyone?

On the other hand, if you just want to get laid, online dating would probably be a time-efficient way to find a lot of suitable candidates.

Or, if you want to meet a lot of new single people, online dating would be a great place to start.

A clear goal will help you make the most of online dating

Analyze yourself and your needs. Don’t let yourself get away with simplified statements like “Online dating is a waste of time.”

A clear goal and a clear plan will help you not get sucked down into the vortex of unanswered messages, ghosting, and terrible profile pictures.

Whatever you come up with as your end goal, I would suggest you slightly shift your focus and not regard a date that doesn’t lead to your end goal as a vast of time.

What’s the alternative?

To be honest, staying home with a bowl of popcorn watching “The Bold Type” was the alternative. If you compare online dating to chilling on the couch, I would claim that it’s not a waste of time.

If you wonder why online dating feels like digging for gold in Alaska, check out our article Why is it so hard to find someone?

A look at the statistics

A Stanford sociologist found that online dating was the most common way of meeting a partner for people in the US.

I think we can all agree that online dating is working. People meet their significant other through online dating all the time. (Which, to be honest, only makes online dating even more frustrating to the rest of us. )

If you ask people how they meet, online dating is one of the most common answers. Followed by common friends or through a common hobby, or work.

Most people regard online dating as a fruitful way to meet someone

According to this survey, a majority of online daters say it was at least somewhat easy to find potentially compatible partners online.

So, if you are looking for the general public’s opinion, online dating is not a waste of time.

But your case is unique, and your specific challenges deserve a closer look because online dating might be a waste of time for you.

What are the alternatives to reach your goal?

If your goal is to find a romantic partner, but you are fed up with online dating, you have to examine the alternatives and how effective they are compared to online dating.

How many new available men do you have a conversation with on an average week?

Be honest.

How people meet their match

If the answer is zero, you can see how useful online dating can be. At least you meet up with men who are single and share a couple of your interests. There are four main areas where people meet a romantic partner. 1. At work. 2. Through common friends. 3. Because of common interest. 4. Online dating.

So when you ask yourself if online dating is a waste of time, ask yourself how easy it will be for you to meet someone through the other three ways.

How much more attractive are those?

If someone asked you about the chances with those alternatives, how would you rate their effectiveness compared to online dating?

I would say the success rate when you do meet someone you fancy is much greater if it’s through another medium rather than online dating. When you meet someone in other areas of your life, you already have things in common. You will also have the opportunity to build up the attraction between the two of you slowly.

Time-efficient or not?

But to meet someone who catches your interest through any of the other three ways takes a longer time. If time is no issue for you, I would say that you can skip online dating. You will meet someone. Online dating is a way to speed up the process by meeting more candidates.

For more tips and tricks on how to stop being single and frustrated, check out our survival guide How to enjoy being single.

In the end, finding someone is, for most people, just a numbers game, and that’s why so many people have success with online dating.

If you feel online dating is a waste of time, take a break

If you have done a lot of online dating and are asking from a place of online dating fatigue, it’s time to take a break.

You might feel like you will lose your dream guy. He must be there, right? Buried among all those pictures of hopeful strangers? So, you just keep swiping, keep hoping.

But you are not missing out. In fact, stepping away from online dating can make you braver and more creative in real life. Online dating is one way to meet a romantic partner. It’s certainly not the only way.

Try a new hobby

When you do take a break from online dating, examine your social life and see if there is space for another activity. Maybe volunteer at a place close to your heart? Maybe try a new hobby?

Not spending energy on online dating will free up a bit of your time. Spend that time to meet more people are you can skip online dating without feeling bad.

Why online dating was a waste of time for me

I couldn’t make online dating work for me because it usually takes really long time for me to become attracted to someone.

This realization was a real eye-opener for me. I usually went on a date, and even though the guy was nice-looking and interesting, I still didn’t feel the spark. I even thought I would have been attracted to him under other circumstances. If, for example, I just saw him at my regular yoga class.

I kept rejecting my dates

Every date I went on got a Thank you, but No thank you. Since I wanted to meet someone, it was pretty painful to reject all those well-meaning strangers. When someone didn’t message me back, I was always relieved.

If your problem is similar to mine, check out a couple of the strategies I’m using to try and open up in this article, How to be more emotionally available.

When you are the problem

I knew I was the problem.

Something with the way I interacted with the world was the problem. I could probably go on 100 online dates and not meet anyone because I was making some form of mistake.

Looking back on the people I have been attracted to, it usually took me months to start liking them.

Find out why online dating is not working for you

My problem is most likely not your problem. Maybe you have an easy time feeling attracted to someone but a hard time getting a second date? Or you seldom manage to develop the dates to a relationship?

Somewhere in the process, you fuck up. I want you to find out where. Ask a friend to help you analyze the situation.

Sure, it is going to be guessing. But based on those guesses, you can finally answer the question of whether online dating is a waste of time. You can also work towards changing your behavior.

I started playing beach-volley

I decided that online dating was not for me and that, instead, I just had to do more social activities in my everyday life.

Now I play beach volleyball. Lots of cute guys on the court, and I get endorphins at the same time. It suits me much better. (Well, I am still single.)

If you use online dating the right way, it doesn’t have to be a waste of time

Online dating is neither good nor bad. It’s a tool. And a tool is what you make of it. With a hammer, you can build a house or kill someone. Neither of the results is the hammer’s fault. 

The result of online dating depends (to some extent) on your skill level.

You can practice, learn and become better at online dating. Decide how many dates you want to go on any given month, decide how many hours every day you want to spend messaging. (One hour should be enough.)

How to become better at online dating

Meet up with possible interesting matches as soon as possible, don’t invest mental energy in fantasizing about a person you have never met. Be very clear and deliberate in the way you use the tool, don’t use online dating out of boredom or as a way to get validation. Make up some guidelines for your situation and follow through.

Don’t regard online dating as a chore but as a casual way to meet up with someone who might turn out to be really interesting. 

A Final Note

We love to hate on online dating. All those emotionally unavailable men are making guest appearances in our phones and lives. We get jealous when everyone except us finds a husband on Tinder. When you ask if online dating is a waste of time, the final conclusion is no. Online dating is great, but only if you think it is fun.

Online dating is one possible tool when you want to meet someone. You don’t have to utilize it all the time, but you should give it a try when the mood strikes.