how to get out of the friend zone with a guy

What you need to do and exactly how to do it

He is a catch. You like him. The two of you get along. In fact, you are good friends. Maybe even best friends. Only you have just realized (or always secretly known) that you want to be more than his friend. What steps do you need to take to get out of the friend zone with a guy?

How to get out of the friend zone with a guy – The crash course

The first step is to start flirting with your friend. You do this to build attraction and show him that you have a sexual interest in him.

The second step is to make a move. For example, try to kiss him. You are in the friend zone because you fear rejection. Now it’s time to face your fear.

If that approach doesn’t give the desired result, you have to switch up your strategy; stop flirting.

Go on dates with other guys and focus on improving your life. 

Which friend zone are you in?

To know more precisely which action to take, we need to know a bit more about the friend zone. Let’s do a deep dive into the friend zone. Does it exist?

Have you done anything wrong to end up in such a pop-culture cliché as the dreaded friend zone?

And most importantly of all, is it possible to free yourself from the friend zone? If yes, how should you go about breaking free from such a desolate place?

Not all friend zones are the same

While doing research for this article, I realized that there are three significantly different ways you can be in the friend zone. The solution on how you should get out of the friend zone varies according to which one of those your situation falls into. Be honest with yourself when you think about the answer.

The good news about being in the friend zone is that your friend already likes you, which is a great foundation to build attraction from. Check out our article How to make someone fall in love with you, for all the best techniques to make someone feel desire and love towards you.

The first version of the friend zone

The first version is when your friend knows you are interested in him and has rejected you.

Both of you are clear about the fact that you want something more, and he doesn’t want something more.

This is far from an ideal situation, but you have probably already realized that a small miracle has to happen for the two of you to end up together.

He can still catch feelings

If this is your situation, I urge you not to despair. There is a way to make him yours. Further down, I will explain exactly how. But first, you have to learn a bit more about the mechanisms and secret psychology surrounding the friend zone.

The second version of the friend zone

The second version is that you are not in the friend zone. There was never a friend zone. For all you know, your feelings can be reciprocated.

Your friend might be falling asleep every night thinking about your lips, your eyes, and your laugh.

Maybe everything you have to do is ask him, or more effectively, from an attraction-building point of view; kiss him.

Should you make a move?

If you think this version might be a possibility, check out our article “When should a woman make the move?” to know if you should be the one taking things to the next level.

The third version of the friend zone

The third and most likely version is that you actually don’t know. You don’t know if you are in the first scenario or the second.

You don’t know if he is attracted to you, if he could be attracted to you, or if you have already been rejected.

Time to find out, but also time to try and change his perspective of you. Attraction is something you can build.

Start building attraction

For some extra tips, check out our article “How to appear more attractive as a woman.“

Before we start implementing the different solutions, we have to increase our understanding of the friend zone.

We need to understand why attraction happens and why, in some cases, attraction doesn’t take place.

The main reasons why you are in the friend zone

To get out of the friend zone, it’s important to understand why men chose to put you there and, more importantly, why your friend put you there. Let’s look at the five main reasons.

I also invite you to play along and think about times when you put a guy in the friend zone. Does the reason below applies, or can you come up with other causes?

1. You are not attractive enough

I’m going to be blunt with you. In most cases, if you were a solid ten, you wouldn’t be in the friend zone. That’s just how many men work; nothing to take personally and nothing to get hanged up on.

2. Your personality is not attractive enough to him

Even guys think about the future, and they might have different standards for what they want in a friend versus a girlfriend.

Some women have a personality that vibes well with a man as friends, but a personality he is not necessarily going to be attracted to as a partner.

No need to despair. There is a man out there who is going to love your personality.

3. He is interested in someone else

Think about why you would put someone nice and attractive in the friend zone?

Oftentimes there is just someone else around that is more intriguing, and that makes your body and mind tingle more intensely.

Why we are attracted to someone has to do with pheromones, so don’t take it too personally.

4. He is not interested in a relationship

Or, as one pretty blunt guy put it, “I’m not interested in a relationship, and I feel she wouldn’t be interested in a one-night stand or a friends-with-benefits kind of situation. Rather than create drama, I just wouldn’t go there.”

5. You are not his type

When we interviewed more than 300 men for Her Brilliant Friend, the reason the guys kept mentioning why they would friend zone a girl was that she was not his type.

Many meant in the physical aspect; like she is blonde, and he prefers darker girls.

Many also meant personality-wise, as described in the point above.

We can change who is our type

Not our type is a reason many of us would give for why attraction doesn’t happen, and it’s not entirely true.

We all have a type, but we all also have the possibility to end up with someone completely different from our type. The reason for this is that attraction can grove, and personality and chemistry triumphs look.

Debunking a myth about the friend zone

When you do a search for how to get out of the friend zone with a guy, this is one of the top definitions of what the friend zone is:

To me, the friend zone is a term people use when they want to feel like they had a chance and then they were too nice or too available so the other person lost interest,” says Becky Leu. “In my experience, there was never a chance. The friend zone they’re referring to just means the other person isn’t into them. Never was, never will be, they’re just friends.

This quote is well formulated and full of insight into the human mind. It is true about why women put men in the friend zone and vice versa. But it is far from the whole truth, and it is not especially helpful when you want to get out of the friend zone.

They chose to approach you as a friend

The above text is not the whole truth because plenty of people end up in the friend zone because they are not brave enough to show their desire. They are so afraid of rejection (and sexual rejection is just the worst) that they never present themselves as a true sexual contender.

Instead, they decide to fly under the radar and present themselves as a friend.

They self-sabotaged

They take the sex out of the equation, and then they are bitter and disappointed when attraction doesn’t happen. But they did, in fact, self-sabotage. They were not brave enough to show their sexual side.

Which is a totally OK strategy

First of all, contrary to what some texts on the internet will tell you, there is nothing wrong with being interested in someone and getting closer to them by becoming their friend.

Many love stories and marriages start as friendships.

I challenge you to come up with times in your own life when you changed your perspective on someone, you were not attracted to them right from the start, but one day you woke up and realized that you indeed did fancy them.

This is not only normal; it’s beautiful and a great quality we as humans have.

It’s ok to be shy

Plenty of shy people get closer to someone they like by becoming friends.

I think this is a perfectly fine way to approach and get to know someone that has caught your interest. It is not disingenuous like some people will have you believe.

Or their feelings changed

The other scenario is also possible, it has happened to me, and it has probably happened to you.

You realize that you are attracted to one of your friends.

You were not attracted to him when the friendship started, but now your feelings have changed.

Falling for a friend is beautiful

This is actually a positive thing. Most likely, you had already ruled him out and deemed him not to be your type. But the closer you become, the more impressed you became with the way he behaved.

In fact, you are so impressed that you woke up one day and realized he is actually pretty hot, and his eyes are just the best thing ever.

It’s OK that feelings change

Some people spend years as friends only to one day discover that they have developed romantic feelings for each other.

Getting out of the friend zone is you taking this process and trying to use it to your advantage.

Let’s dive in together and do a bit of reverse engineering.

You want your target to one day wake up and realize he has developed strong feelings for you.

Let’s get to it!

Start flirting to get out of the friend zone with a guy

Men, to a higher degree than women, are biologically wired to be attracted to women. All sorts of women, in all sorts of situations. It is their biological blueprint.

If you start flirting with your friend, it’s you telling him, if ever so subtle, that you are sexually available to him. Most men will respond positively when they think a woman is sexually available to them. That’s just in their genes.

Show your desire

They might want to fight it on a logical level, but it’s hard for them to do that. So what you have to do is flirt, build attraction, and show him that you have a sexual interest in him.

If you are good friends, this will feel fucking uncomfortable.

Use touch and a well-aimed compliment

But just like when you exercise, you have to push through the discomfort. Touch him, and if he touches you back, you touch him again. The touch can be very subtle. But if he reciprocates, pick it up a notch, will you.

Be verbal about your appreciation

Also, be verbal about your attraction. When you touch him, you reach him in one way. When you use your voice, you reach him in another way. Together they will be more powerful.

Tell him that he looks hot when he does indeed look hot. If you need more tips on how to embrace this side of you, check out our article “How to flirt with a man.“

Risk rejection to get out of the friend zone with a guy

Things might get awkward for a while when you start being more flirty. Don’t be afraid of that awkwardness. Attraction grows in awkwardness. Don’t be afraid of the charged silence and the “why the fuck are you behaving like this” looks. Just smile mysteriously.

We often expect men to flirt, pursue us and take the initiative. But most men appreciate not having to do all the work, not always risking rejection.

Be brave

Ask yourself, honestly; Are you risking rejection?

If not, start taking risks. The worst thing that can happen is that he doesn’t want you, and that’s a good thing. Because a clear rejection is the best motivation for moving on. If he rejects you, he is not the right guy, and that’s fine.

You not showing your sensual side and flirting. That’s just playing it safe. Instead, be brave. Make sure he knows that you find him attractive.

Stop Flirting to get out of the friend zone with a guy

OK, so now we need to give the guy a bit of time and space. A friend, all of a sudden coming on strong, can freak us out.

When you have been flirting and showing him what you feel, it is time to take a step back. You want to make sure that you are not the only one feeling it. You want to give him space to think about you and to start acting.

Give him space

If your situation is similar to the first scenario I mentioned in the intro; he knows you want him and is not attracted to you, you go straight to this step. You stop flirting.

You need to stop showing him that you are available and instead show him that you have moved on.

Start looking into your other options

In this step, you shift your focus. You go on a couple of dates with other guys. You flirt with other guys. Instead of thinking about your friend, you focus on exercise and the things you are passionate about.

You focus on doing active things with your friends. This might include a trip. The important thing is that you get out there because, in pursuit of your friend, you have to act from a place of abundance mentality.

Having options is always good

If you think he is the only one, he will sense your desperation. He hasn’t deserved your feelings. He might be a great guy and a great friend, but you my friend, have built a castle in the air.

The reason why we daydream

You have done this because you are not completely happy with everything that goes on in your life. Fantasizing is easy. Falling in love is easy. You used your feelings for your friend to escape the heavy stuff in your life.

You focused on him instead of focusing on the things that needed improvement in your life.

Working on improving yourself and your life is hard. Now you have to do the hard work and forget about the tantalizing fantasy.

Focus on your life

Take some time away from him. If this feels very foreign, remember that going hot and cold is a good (albeit sneaky way) to create attraction. He will miss you.

Don’t keep on working to try and change his mind. Instead, work on changing yourself. Give yourself the opportunity to stop forcing the situation. During this phase, you stop emotionally ‘chasing’ him.

He needs a break to change how he views you

You did show another side of yourself. Now give him some space. It’s in this space he will change how he sees you.

If he keeps seeing you all the time, this transformation will either not take place or not be as profound.

Have Sex to get out of the friend zone with a guy

No one else will give you this advice, so I’m going to go ahead and do it.

When you have given him some space, time to jump back into his life full force. Get drunk, have a great night together, flirt, and talk a lot. This night should end up with either the two of you kissing or having sex.

Play the roulette

Yes, this is the ultimate way you show your interest in him as well as your sexual side. This is the “go all-in moment” of getting out of the friend zone with a guy. You put all your chips on one hand.

Do it only once. If you have feelings for him, the last thing you want is a friends with benefits kind of situation.

You will find out about his feeling once and for all

What you do want is to find out his true feelings. Within weeks of sleeping or kissing him, you will know about his feelings for you and what category you belong to.

If he has secret feelings for you, this is the best way to uncover them.

If you have done something physical and he becomes more withdrawn, give the relationship some breathing space. Don’t think you can win someone over by clutching them harder, move back to the “stop flirting” step.

This step is your best friend.

Take a big step back

Do this for a couple of months if necessary. Trust me. He knows you are interested, and he knows he can get you. The ball is in his corner.

I know this can suck, but we don’t have control over other people. We have control over our life. Continue with your life, and eventually, you will find someone else.

If the situation is both hopeless and painful, check out our article How to get over your crush.

A Final Note

The main reason a guy puts a girl in the friend zone is that he is not attracted to her.

Why attraction happens is part mystery and magic, part the very specific way you interact with the world. Thus you don’t have full control over who likes you.

What you do have control over is moving on from unreciprocated love and continuing with your life.

With a bit of luck, moving on will make your friend miss you and realize he does have feelings for you.