How to recognize one and why we are drawn to toxic friends
Friends are great, until one day when you realize that something is seriously wrong with your friendship. Your friend might undermine your confidence or make you worried and anxious, and you start wondering about the signs of a toxic friendship.
She is charming, sometimes
In this article, I will present 7 signs of a toxic friendship. People are multidimensional, and your toxic friend might not display all the signs of a toxic friendship.
At the end of the article, I will tell you when it’s time to walk away from a friendship and a bit about exactly how to proceed. I will also explain the allure of a toxic friend. The more you understand the charm of a toxic friend, the easier it will be to deal with your toxic friend.
The 7 main signs of a toxic friendship are:
- Your self-confidence will start eroding.
- You become unsure about your borders and your judgment.
- You are forced to prioritize your friend repeatedly; she never prioritizes you.
- There is constant drama going on.
- They don’t keep their word.
- Competition and jealousy make regular appearances.
- They always play the victim.
My personal story
She was the most charming person I had ever met. I made a funny remark, and she got the joke in a way most people wouldn’t. We instantly became close friends, and at every turn of our friendship, I felt the poetry of our connection.
She gave a lot of love and compliments, so she was not your typical toxic friend. She also demanded a lot of love and attention. It was hard to keep up with her.
She came with big drama
She was flaky, dramatic, and intense. Being her friend was an emotional roller coaster. I often wonder if she was worth all the heartache.
I had to let go to keep my sanity
Despite this, we just got each other. It was with great sadness I stepped away from the friendship and let her slowly fade out of my life. I still miss her.
Life is not black and white, and toxic friendships are full of love, hate, and ambiguity.
1. You feel your self-confidence eroding
A toxic friendship doesn’t start out toxic. Instead, they start out amazing. You feel a strong connection and a lot of happiness over the fact that you have found a new friend.
Toxic people are often charming and intelligent and very good at a little thing called love-bombing. Check out our guide to this phenomenon here. Love-bombing is not only common in romantic relationships, it is also part of a toxic friendship. When your friend feels you drifting away, she will once again use love-bombing and her charm to pull you back in.
You will feel like you are not enough
As the friendship progress, you will feel less and less confident. You will start second-guessing big life decisions, such as education, career, and romantic relationship.
You will feel like you don’t do enough. The reason for this will be the behavior of your toxic friend. She will criticize you, both in small ways and in bigger ways.
Toxic people are very good at finding your weak spots and pointing them out.
You will start walking on eggshells around her
When you have a toxic person in your life, you will become more anxious and nervous, and those feelings will be particularly present in contact with your friend.
You just never know what mood she will be in, and when she is in a bad mood, she always puts you down and makes you feel bad about your decisions and who you are as a person.
Not feeling good around this person is one of the biggest signs of a toxic friendship.
2. You become unsure about your borders and your judgment
We usually know what’s right for us and what we need. But around a toxic person, it’s much harder to figure out ourselves and our needs.
You might say no to her. For example, you will say that you need to spend the evening alone. But she will be guilt-tripping you and use other forms of manipulative behavior until she gets you to do what she wants to do.
To not upset her, you will be forced to stay out the whole night drinking or going along with one of her activities.
She is manipulative
I strongly recommend checking out our article about Manipulative behavior.
The more you learn about how this process works, the better you will be at spotting this form of behavior, and as a result, you will be much more able to protect yourself against manipulation. When it comes to manipulation, knowledge really is power.
She will take advantage of you being nice
Toxic people often exploit your sweet and nice nature. They have no problem asking for your time and support and often also your money.
If you are emphatic, you will do your utmost to try and help her, whatever her problems might be.
But your efforts will never be enough, and she will only be temporarily grateful until it’s time for the next demand.
You will try and adjust to her needs
You know what you need to feel good, but with a toxic person in your life, those lines will become more and more blurred. Toxic people exercise their powers by having you change your behavior to accommodate them. This way, they train you to obey them and not listen to your own feelings.
In the process, you lose a bit of yourself and your voice. You lose the connection you have with what’s important to you.
3. You are forced to prioritize your friend repeatedly; she never prioritizes you
One of the biggest signs of a toxic friendship is that the relationship is one-sided.
She talks a lot about her problems. You spend hours listening and trying to give advice and be supportive.
When you need the same form of support from her, she always has a reason for not being there for you. She has a short attention span and is also very dismissive. She might point out that you complain too much, a comment that is bound to make you feel like the toxic one.
The same is true for the material side of your friendship
This form of in-balance also manifests itself in material things.
Do you always have to pay for her? Does she expect you to take time off from work to help her move (for the fifth time)? Does she crash on your couch when she doesn’t have anywhere to live? Is she always borrowing money?
She needs money and things
Whatever her behavior is, you can be sure to spot a toxic person by the fact that they have a lot of material needs, and they want you to fulfill them. If you ever need their help, they are usually busy or short on money.
4. There is constant drama going on
One of the most evident signs of a toxic friendship is that there is always drama surrounding them. They have conflicts with different people. They lose their job; they fight with their parents.
They find new lovers only to quickly dismiss them. Their new boss is a psychopath.
The drama can be seductive
Admittedly, this kind of drama is part of the allure of a toxic friend. There is always something going on. But be aware that people who experience a lot of drama in their lives are usually part of the problem.
Also, take into consideration that you will become one of those people they are having problems with.
Your toxic friend will complain and gossip about you with all the other people they know.
5. They don’t keep their word
Keeping your word is such an important part of forming a strong friendship. It is also something toxic people have a very hard time achieving. They might say all sorts of things. They might promise tropical vacations, new business opportunities, or fun nights out.
The only problem is that all of those dreams and aspirations seldom become a reality.
She keeps changing her plans
Other signs of a toxic friendship are that your friend keeps changing her plans. She probably often shows up late, or she doesn’t show up at all. Whenever this happens, she always has a good excuse because toxic people are good at making excuses.
Try and watch her actions instead of listening to her words to find out the truth about what sort of relationship the two of you are having.
She demands a lot from you
She needs a lot of support. You will feel needed, and that is in itself a good feeling.
But it won’t be a two-way street because she herself is not very trustworthy. Toxic people are flaky since they always look for a quick fix of entertainment rather than lasting relationships.
6. Competition and jealousy make regular appearances
Toxic people are also petty people.
They constantly compete with everyone around them. They always try to win.
She compares herself to you
They especially compare themselves with their friends. Thus, they are never genuinely happy about your achievements. You can easily spot a toxic person by them trying to fake being happy for you when you tell them any good news.
They will also be jealous of your other friends, or just jealous of other people in your life, such as co-workers and your boyfriend.
You won’t feel supported
When you have achieved something, such as buying a house, they will downplay your achievement or try to outshine you in any way possible. We wrote a whole article about jealous friends; 11 signs of jealous friends.
When you have a toxic friendship, you don’t feel supported, and you never know what kind of jealousy to expect from your friend.
7. They always play the victim
Toxic people have a very hard time taking responsibility for themselves and their life.
They always blame someone else, or the circumstances, for their problems and shortcomings. If you spot this behavior in your friend, you know that you are dealing with a toxic person.
There is always a problem
In the beginning, you are naturally empathic to their struggles, but as time goes on, you start to distinguish a pattern. There are always problems, and the problems are always out of their control.
Everything difficult in their life is someone else’s fault.
Toxic people need your attention
Toxic people know exactly how to make other people sympathize with them and feel bad for them.
If a toxic person has lured you, the chances are that you are a very empathic person. Toxic people are especially attracted to emphatic people. Keep this in mind when evaluating your friendship.
The allure of toxic friends
When we consider the signs of a toxic friendship, I think it is very important to acknowledge that toxic people also have a lot to offer. Toxic friends are seductive, they are often very fun to be around.
Life with a toxic person is indeed an adventure. The roller coaster effect makes the good times feel even better.
The love is usually strong
I’m sure that your friend, just like my toxic friend, has a lot of endearing qualities.
If this friend of yours were all pessimism and drama and negative feedback, the two of you wouldn’t be friends.
To properly understand toxic friendship, it’s also important to acknowledge everything great about your friend.
You might even love her.
Toxic people are charming people
This was the case with my best friend. I adored her. She wrote the funniest and sharpest text messages to me. She was actually very sweet and loving. On top of that, she also had her unparalleled charm and a big dose of intelligence.
In return, she needed a lot of love and attention.
Does the positive outweigh the negatives?
So go ahead and make a list of everything that is positive with your friends and everything you get out of the friendship. Humans are complicated, and your friend is most likely doing her best.
The question you have to ask yourself is if her good side triumphs her flaws? Only you and your gut feeling can answer that question.
If you wonder how a healthy friendship should feel, read our article The secrets to strong friendships.
How to know when it’s time to walk away from a toxic friendship
We all have different periods in our life, sometimes we are on top of the world, and sometimes we suffer from periods of depression.
This was certainly the case with my friend. She was on her meanest behavior when she was unhappy. Since a lot of things were constantly going wrong in her life, she had a lot of unhappy moments.
When things were going her way, she was very generous and festive. To walk away from her was not an easy decision.
Keep a bit of a distance
If you face the same dilemma, I recommend that instead of breaking up the friendship, try seeing less of your friends. Foremost be less dependent on her. Regard your friendship as an exercise in stating your borders.
If this strategy doesn’t work, you will know that you need to break up the friendship. To get proper closure, check out our article Ending a close friendship.
Find new friends
To make good choices in life, we need to have options. There is a big possibility that you are holding on to your toxic friend because you don’t have any alternative.
Finding other friends will also supply you with a well-needed perspective on your toxic friend. You will be able to have other friends to compare her to. For all the best advice on how to connect with new people, read our guide How to make new friends in your 30s.
A Final Note
Friends are great. Toxic friends are like a love affair turned bad. You had so much love and so many dreams about the future, but you just couldn’t make it work.
Friendships can be complicated. That’s part of their charm. We put a lot of ourselves into our friendship, and because of this, we need a lot in return. Not everyone is capable of giving you what you need.
Take care of yourselves and your happiness; if your friendship is toxic, step away from the fire.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
