14 Unmistakable Red Flags That Mean You Could Be Dating A Narcissist

Plus all the different ways a narcissist act to get you hooked  

Do you suspect your new beau is a narcissist? In this article, I tell you about my personal experience with dating a narcissist.

While there are plenty of information out there profiling narcissists (and I suggest you look into all of it) I still want to give you my version. Those red flags are not always destructive occurrences and therefore they can be easy to miss.

The love story starts out amazing

Because the thing with narcissists is that they are also very open, charming and seductive, especially in the beginning.

Lots of information about narcissist only focus on how the relationship develops down the road and all the negative traits of a narcissist. Thus, you might miss those crucial first-stage signs that tell you that you are dating a narcissist.

My experience with dating a narcissist

Thinking back to that fateful day when I first met my narcissist, I do remember thinking that he seemed to be too good to be true.

To be honest, he seemed a bit out of my league.

He was both handsome and successful. The dimples on his checks were the most endearing thing I had ever laid my eyes upon.

You might be surprised to know that during that first meeting he came across as humble.

We were colleagues

We meet in a professional setting and looking back I think that was the first red flag. A non-narcissist would have kept those crucial professional boundaries. But the fact that we did something semi-forbidden only increased my justification for our relationship.

We were meant to be. Destiny brought us together and our love could overcome any obstacle. When you are dating a narcissist they do like to frame the relationship in an “us against the world” mentality.

I was over the moon

Only if you yourself have dated a narcissist I think you can fully appreciate how excited I was to finally have my own passionate love story. I felt like I had been waiting my whole life for someone like him.

Prior to our meeting, I had done my fair share of online dating without finding anything exciting. I think that made me a particularly vulnerable victim. I was ripe for the taking. My longing for love had made me desperate.

This man was the definition of exciting. I was instantly hooked.

Now when you know a bit more about my story let’s move on to those red flags that mean you could be dating a narcissist.

1. A narcissist will ask you a lot of questions

You might be surprised to know that narcissists can actually be good listeners. They are absolutely capable of asking you a lot of deep and personal questions and giving you a sense of them really getting to know you.

The first couple of times you spend with your narcissist the interaction is usually all about you. That’s how you get addicted.

The beginning is the seduction

In the beginning, a narcissist will be on their best behavior.

The thing you need to know, above everything else, is that a narcissist will asses their victim.

They do want to know everything about you. A narcissist especially wants to know your weaknesses since they will be exploiting them later on. They also want to find out if you are a suitable victim. All those questions and that strong focus on you are their way of getting under your skin. They need the information to be able to properly exploit you later on.

2. A narcissist is usually very charming in the beginning

Upon the first meeting, most narcissists come across as charming. Especially if they choose to get on your good side.

Narcissists instinctively know that the first impression makes a very strong imprint on us. We often have a very hard time letting go of a positive first impression. As our love story progressed I clung to those first amazing months.

My narcissist went out of his way to impress and charm my friend and family. This was another of his tactics. After that, he had their backing, and they were pretty blind to his more scary sides.

A narcissist will take advantage of your kindness

Narcissists will exploit your natural trusting human nature. In the beginning, they will promise you the world. The time the two of you spend together will feel truly magical.

3. At the beginning of a relationship, a narcissist is passionate and impulsive

The next thing I noticed about my narcissist was that he was very impulsive. He bought us tickets to Paris. He showed up unannounced at my workplace. At one point he gave me a dress he wanted me to wear. There was a pair of diamond earrings he couldn’t afford.

It was very sweet, it was all also simply too much. So when your new beau is acting in an over-the-top romantic way, be careful and consider the fact that you might be dating a narcissist.

Your gut will tell you that he is overstepping boundaries

Sometimes I felt a bit uneasy about the whole thing. He did things that showed me that he didn’t really know me. I felt like he had an idealized picture of me, and he was very fond of that version of me. When I tried to object, he accused me of lacking confidence and not realizing how much I deserved and how valuable and special I was.

I felt doubt creeping in

I was of two minds, to be honest with you. It was nice being courted. But I also felt like I lost a bit of myself in the process.

Later on, I realized that this was a technique many narcissists use.

What happens is that you lose track of your boundaries. You become more comfortable pushing your boundaries since you do it in the name of love. Since he is doing something nice you feel bad telling him that his behavior is not OK.

The thing is, someone who truly loves you, does respect your boundaries.

A narcissist; not so much.

4. A narcissist had a tragic childhood

Believe it or not, but I am a pretty confident person. So, in the beginning, I tried setting boundaries. I also explained what different situations felt like for me. I tried to manage him and his stormy personality.

He told me his backstory

That’s when I found out more about him. He told me that he had never felt loved. His parents had been abusive. He had been bullied in school. Despite all this, he had fought his way through life, and he was now in a good place.

A rags-to-riches story

He was successful. He particularly liked to point out all of his achievements; having a good career, being fit, and having a nice apartment.

Only later did I find out that this Phoenix story is how many narcissists like to tell you the story of their life. It is in itself a sign that you might be dating a narcissist.

When he told me more about himself, I was duly impressed. I was empathic. Only afterward, when I read a lot about narcissism, I learned that they are experts in evoking empathy.

Narcissists did experience trauma

Sure, no one like to discover that they are in fact dating a narcissist. But it is important to remember that this personality disorder is tragic for the narcissist himself. He will never form long-term intimate bonds with other people.

Narcissism stems from a very traumatic childhood. There is no such thing as a narcissist who got his emotional needs met in his childhood. He did suffer a real trauma. Narcissists are made, not born.

5. Lots of personal obstacles

Despite all his charm, my boyfriend was locked in constant struggles. His colleagues schemed against him. His boss never gave him the appreciation he deserved. And his family only called him when they needed money. He seemed to be in a state of conflict with a bunch of people.

Lack of personal responsibility

It was always, always, the other person’s fault. He didn’t talk with his parents. Nor did he talk with his brothers. He had a long list of people that had mistreated him. He followed their life from afar and every time something bad happened to one of his enemies he was genuinely happy.

Yeah. That’s a red flag if there ever was once.  

6. Gas-lighting

Gas-lighting is a bit of a tricky term to narrow down.

And yes, I have seen the movie.

However, it’s important to grasp all the different levels of gas-lighting.

Gas-lighting is a big part of any narcissist’s modus operandi. Basically, your narcissist will tell you something that simply is not true. If you object, he will insist. In the end, you usually give up, tired of fighting. You just want to keep the peace in the relationship, and as a result, you start doubting your own sense of reality.

A narcissist will lie about small things

He might for example tell you that he indeed told you about a dinner invitation. No matter what reasonable argument you bring up, he will persist.

Narcissists lie about small insignificant things. Even things where there is absolutely no benefit for them to lie. To find out more about how a narcissist manipulates reality read our in-depth article about manipulative behavior. You will learn a lot.

You stop trusting yourself

The result is that you start to doubt your reality and your ability to use your senses. You also start doubting your memory. Our memory is such an important part of our character and that’s why this tactic is so dangerous.

It feels like you lose a bit of yourself

If you are really addicted to your narcissist you might start living in his reality. This technique also makes you afraid of making decisions on your own.

You know, by experience, that the narcissist will always undermine your decision. A lot of time just for fun. Just to fuck with you. Just to control you. As a result, you completely stop making decisions.

7. Grandiosity

I couldn’t do a list of signs that you are dating a narcissist without this crazy feature of dating a narcissist. A narcissist has a compulsory desire to point out everything he has archived and all the ways he is better than other people.

From the outside, it’s almost funny. My narcissist thought he would become president one day and he also thought he could become a rock star. He was constantly writing his memoir. He built companies that never existed. It was tragic, really.

Narcissists love a good audience

Sometimes I don’t think he even himself believed these stories, but he always tried to convince me. Oftentimes I went along with whatever he was saying just to not rock the boat.

8. Narcissists are experts at love-bombing

After reading all of this you might seriously question why anyone would get s entangled with a narcissist.

Let me give you an explanation. It’s called love bombing. A narcissist will lift you up like no one else. He will see everything that’s special about you. He will celebrate you and when he is in the right mood, he will admire you. You might think he truly sees you, but it’s actually an ominous technique to get control. Check out our article about Love bombing and you will understand exactly what I mean.

You will feel loved

When he is on his sweet side, he will love you as you have never been loved before.

All your other relationships will feel pale in comparison.

There is something very addictive to being loved and worshiped.

Sure, the lows are very low, but that also means the highs are incredibly high. That’s one of the reasons why so many people get hooked on a narcissist. You might call it the rollercoaster effect.

Life itself can be a bit boring, but being with a narcissist nothing is ever boring. If you feel yourself being addicted to a toxic relationship I strongly recommend checking out our guide on How to stop going back to a toxic relationship.

9. A narcissist has terrible mood swings

Some days are amazing, fantastic, out of a fairytale. The two of you are deeply connected and deeply in love. You feel more heard and seen than ever before.

Other days are screaming, crying and endless drama. There is no peace and there is no middle ground. Narcissists don’t like compromises. They are crazy like that. They also don’t like when things are too calm.

You are part of the ride

A narcissist often has mood swings within just an hour. A narcissist cannot really control his emotional state.

Whatever he is feeling he is jumping on that train. And one thing is for sure, he doesn’t want to be alone on that train.

Wherever he is going he will do his best to bring you along for the journey. If he is feeling down, he will do everything in his power to make you feel down. He creates a connection by making you feel the same things he is feeling. As the relationship progress, often those feelings are bad feelings.

10. Us against the world mentality

I wanted to leave my narcissist. Already very early on I wanted to get out.

I quickly realized that the positive sides didn’t outweigh the negative sides. I wanted my personality back and I wanted my life back.

A black and white worldview

But during those months we had our honeymoon phase, something strange happened. He instilled in me that it was us against the world. I was on his team now; he was on mine. We needed each other. He absolutely needed me.

He claimed to have my back

There is something very seductive with having someone who claims to always be on your side. As humans, we are often lonely.

No matter how much of a support system we have, we also all have within us that inherent loneliness of being alive in a world where everyone will die.

A narcissist knows exactly how to exploit that side of you. That is his area of expertise.

Towards the end of the relationship, you might realize that he is poisonous. But you will still be a sucker for that strong bond and that feeling of being truly close to another person.

11. Social isolation

A narcissist wants to have control over you.

He will achieve this by talking bad about everyone around you. He will point out that those people only take advantage of you. They don’t really have your back. Whatever shortcomings your parent has, he will make sure he sniffs them out and use them against you. The same goes for your friends. And since no one is perfect he will find faults with everyone around you.

You see what he sees

Slowly you will start seeing the world from his perspective and all those people you thought cared about you will seem more egoistic and less caring.

He will alienate you from your friends by pointing out how they don’t deserve you or how they simply are not at the same level as you are. This is one of the reasons why it is so hard to leave a toxic relationship. But don’t think you are doomed. Breaking free is possible, read our article Ending toxic relationship and you will be on your way to freedom.

12. A narcissist has a lack of perspective

You can distinguish a narcissist early on because he often lacks perspective.

He believes that anything is possible. He also believes that people who don’t achieve anything only have themselves to blame.

In all areas of life, he showcases a remarkable lack of perspective.

He might not realize how much hard work it takes to reach the top. Since he is not afraid to put other people down, he might accuse those people of being born with a silver spoon.

He doesn’t have a fair and balanced view of humankind

A narcissist also lacks perspective about his own ability. He thinks he can achieve everything and at the same time, he is a bit of a complainer. There are always outside factories that stop him from reaching his high-flying goals.

13. A narcissist is self-centered

A narcissist will naturally assume most things are about him. You might be talking about something completely unrelated on the phone with a friend. Only to later find out he thought you were gossiping about him.

Since he is so self-centered he cannot grasp that other things are going on.

It’s all about him

A narcissist can make all actions about him. This is actually one of the main signs that you are dating a narcissist. It’s all about him. The world conspires against him. Even the electric company has a vendetta against him.

He thinks people constantly talk about his life and focus on his achievements.

14. A narcissist will drain your self-confidence and personality

One of the tell-tale signs that you are in a toxic relationship is that you feel your personality whither down. You start to be unsure about your opinions and passion. You question your ability to make decisions. Simply speaking you don’t feel good about yourself and who you are at your core.  

A kind loving relationship should make us stronger, not turn us into a shadow of our former selves.

How do you feel about yourself?

If you feel bad about your body or personality (or both) do examine your relationship. Even small critical comments can have a big impact on how you feel about yourself.

A narcissist will try to dissemble your confidence as a means to get more control over you. The worse you feel about yourself and your ability to make decisions, the more control he has over you.

Ask yourself if you feel lost?

Ask yourself if you feel like you are walking on eggshell?

Those two questions will give you your answer.

A Final Note

I know this turned out to be a long article.

I’m glad you stayed with me all the way to the end. Narcissists are complicated people and dating a narcissist is even more complicated.

There are a lot of nuances that the normal hating-on-narcissists blogs don’t bring up. I hope I have shed some light on the situation.

Women can also be narcissists

I have called the narcissist “a him” in this article. But of course, women can also be narcissists. (It is a bit more uncommon.) So if you are a man dating a narcissist the same advice applies.

Narcissism is also not a black-and-white thing. Maybe you recognized yourself in some of my points?

No need to worry. We are, after all, the center of our own universe. We all have narcissistic tendencies in one area or another.

He might not fit the whole profile

So if you suspect your new man is a narcissist it’s not either or, he can fit somewhere on the scale. You should however reflect on all the different points I have brought up. You don’t want to invite the wrong person into your life. Even a mild narcissist can wreak a lot of havoc when it comes to your self-esteem and sense of direction.

You know you are valuable

Treat yourself as you would treat your sister or best friend. Make those kinds of decisions when it comes to your own life. Take care of yourself the way you would take care of someone you love.