13 signs of a toxic relationship

What you need to watch out for

It’s not easy to spot a toxic relationship from the beginning, and the reason for this is straightforward; the relationship didn’t start out toxic. In fact, most toxic relationship starts out amazing. To not be tricked by the seductive beginning, watch out for these 13 signs of a toxic relationship, and you will be able to understand what’s really going on.

You fall in love

Toxic people are very charming when you first meet them. It is easy to fall hard.

As a result, you dedicate yourself to this other person, and it becomes the two of you against the world. You think you are at the beginning of an incredible love story.

As time goes by, things will start to shift. You will be able to spot weird destructive behavior, such as your partner being harsh and negative towards you.

The best thing you can do is leave

If these 13 signs are present in your relationship, that’s a major red flag.

Too many people get stuck in toxic relationships, thinking that they can change their partner.

Since toxic people put a lot of blame on their partners, you will also try and change who you are. This is a fruitless struggle because you can never be enough for a toxic person.

When you find yourself in a toxic relationship, the best thing you can do is to end the relationship as fast as possible.

How to save a toxic relationship

But some relationships are just a little bit toxic and thus might be worth saving. If you are interested in this approach, check out our article How to fix an unhealthy relationship.

Let’s have a look at the 13 signs of a toxic relationship and decide if your relationship is toxic or not.

1. The highs are very high, and the lows are very low

People often wonder why someone would stay in a toxic relationship, so I wanted to jump right in with one of the explanations, and also one of the biggest signs of a toxic relationship.

With a toxic person, there is a lot of conflict going on, screaming, arguing, and sometimes physical alterations. Basically, there is a lot of drama and the toxic person will play the victim and try and blame it all on you.

The relationship will, at times, feel amazing

But there is another, often overlooked, aspect to this dynamic.

When the dust has settled after a big blowout, everything will temporarily return to the amazing high point of the relationship. The two of you will enjoy the peace and each other.

The toxic person will be as charming and nice as ever, they will draw you in and they might even apologize and explain away their awful behavior.

Love bombing

Basically, to win you back, they will put you through an intense phase of love bombing. Check out our article about Love Bombing to better understand this phenomenon.

Since the fight was so awful, this honeymoon phase will feel even sweeter. As a result of this, you will think that the relationship is worth fighting for. You will regard the dark periods as the enemy and the good periods as the real relationship.

2. You don’t recognize yourself anymore

This is one of the biggest signs of a toxic relationship. This is also the reason so many people struggle with a profound emptiness after leaving a toxic relationship. Because a toxic person will do their best to undermine and destroy the relationship you have with yourself.

They will make fun of your passions. They will tell you that your career doesn’t mean anything.

When they spot doubt or weakness, they will exploit that feeling and tell you that your efforts are useless and that your ambitions are pathetic.

They will criticize you endlessly

You can see how this is a very effective strategy to erode a person’s confidence and joy in life. We usually have two voices in our heads, and a toxic person will be the negative voice.

They will do their utmost to make you confused about who you really are.

A couple of months into a toxic relationship, you will not recognize yourself anymore.

3. You never know what to expect from your partner

When you spend time with your partner, you will be in a state of fear.

Even the good times will feel fragile. You will live with constant worry. You know that with your partner, things can take a wrong turn quickly. They will become upset and angry for something minor.

Whatever the two of you are doing, they might feel the need to destroy the happy atmosphere.

This behavior will lead you to do the classic walk on eggshells.

You can never trust them

Toxic people are often unreliable when it comes to different aspects of their lives, such as their financial situation and professional situation.

Thus, life becomes a roller coaster where you constantly are worried about what your partner is up to and what new catastrophe is just around the corner.

4. You are constantly adjusting your behavior to his mood

A toxic person will supply you with a false sense of control. Since they blame their mood and behavior on you, you will also make yourself responsible for how they feel.

You will watch everything you say and do to keep the peace and not provoke the toxic person. If they are upset, you will feel down as well.

The happy times never last

When they are happy, you will feel forced to pretend to be happy even if you are not. This constant dance of adjustment will make you lose yourself and lose contact with your real feelings.

After a while, you will not even know what you are feeling anymore.

5. Your partner always retaliates and tries to hurt you back, sometimes days later

Toxic people are mean. They will tell you that you need to lose weight, they will tell you that you are boring and they will tell you that your taste is awful. Whatever you hold dear or like about yourself, they will try and shit on this aspect of you.

They feel so bad about themselves that they are out to destroy you.

Your partner doesn’t have your back

When you are in a toxic relationship, you will be looked into an ongoing fight. Your partner will take their revanche when you least suspect it.

Toxic people can hold a grudge for a long time and they always feel the need to get back at you. No perceived injustices ever slip from their memory.

For more insight into manipulative people, check out our article about Manipulative Behavior.

6. Your partner is negative towards your friends and family

This is one of the earliest signs of a toxic relationship. A non-toxic person knows that you might want to vent about your friends and family and that you still love them and need them.

A toxic person, on the other hand, will use the information you tell them to try and isolate you from the people closest to you.

You become isolated

They will mention that your friends and family are not good enough for you. This way, you will start looking more critically at them and as a result, you will become more isolated.

So, if you find yourself not spending as much time with friends and family, this might be an early warning sign. Or is there always a big drama when you do spend time with friends and family? Watch out and check the other signs to determine if you are in a toxic relationship.

7. You feel like you don’t have control over your situation

This feeling will, unfortunately, be correct. When you are in a toxic relationship, you are slowly losing control over many things you previously could control.

Since your whole identity becomes tangled with your relationship, you lose control over your general well-being.

As a result of this, you also lose control over a lot of other aspects.

The relationship becomes a source of never-ending stress

You will feel like you have less and less control over things around you, for example, your work situation. But if you analyze the situation, you will realize that it’s your relationship you don’t have control over and that your partner is, in fact, the root of many problems.

When you get stuck in a toxic relationship, everything seems to be spinning fast and you constantly fight to keep your head over the water and thus, you neglect many other areas.

8. Your partner blames other people for everything that is wrong with their life

Let me guess; your partner had an unhappy childhood. Maybe even abusive parents, or maybe your partner was abounded by one or both of their parents. Your partner also most likely has a messy relationship story with infidelity and trust issues.

You will naturally be empathic to these difficulties. But after a while, you will start to see a pattern, it’s not only their childhood that was bad, it’s their whole life.

The whole world is against them

Their boss is a psychopath. Their former best friend stabbed them in the back.

In fact, at times, it seems like the whole world is conspiring against them and want to make them fail.

Yes, this is a clear sign of a toxic person.

Playing the victim

When you lock out for this sign, it will be easier to spot a toxic relationship early on. Nothing is ever their fault, not their salary or their financial situation, or their education.

They are always the victim.

9. The rules of the world are different for them

This point also applies to your relationship. When you are together with a toxic person, there is one set of rules for them and another set of rules for you.

You are not allowed to meet friends or come home late, but they are allowed to be out the whole night.

They often accuse you of flirting or even being unfaithful. At the same time, they need a lot of attention from the opposite sex.

This is just one example and might not be applicable to your situation. But if your relationship is toxic, I am sure you can come up with examples where the rules for your partner differ from the rules for the rest of the world.

They are always looking out for themselves

A toxic person will also try to get advantages for themselves by not following the rules of society or common curtsey rules between people.

If it’s raining and they see an umbrella, they will take it, even if it’s not theirs. Since they are entitled and self-centered, they don’t see the problem with this kind of behavior.

10. Your partner is often negative toward you

This is another early warning sign to be on the lookout for. It is natural to voice concern in a relationship.

The difference between healthy feedback and toxic behavior is that the toxic person will target things that are essential to your being. They focus on you rather than on a behavior.

Their criticism is about who you are

Their criticism will be framed in a way so that you feel that they are accusing you. For example, you always mess up. You are a terrible cook. No one would like that behavior.

They put you down

They use generalizations such as you are lazy. You don’t have any real friends. You are stupid. Their criticism is not focused on anything you can easily change but cuts to your heart and soul.

11. They try to control you in many different ways

We all know that control is at the root of toxic behavior and toxic relationship, but we are not always clear about what control means. Jealousy is a clear sign of control, and most toxic people will be jealous.

But they will also try and gain control over small and insignificant parts of your behavior.

The clothes you wear, your makeup, the way you spend your time. When a person behaves in a controlling way, that is one of the most obvious signs of a toxic relationship.

They train you to obey them

Every time they tell you to do something a certain way, they train you to be controlled by them.

This behavior starts out innocent at first, but as the relationship goes on, you get more and more use to adjust your behavior to their wants and needs. They get used to being obeyed and you become used to tryi to please them, even when it comes to small parts of your personality.

12. The relationship drains you of energy

Yes, relationships take work. But a toxic relationship takes a tremendous amount of work. Is your relationship keeping you from things that used to make you happy and fill you with energy?

Do you often feel tired and mentally drained? Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you had more energy before this relationship started?

You stop taking care of yourself

Being unhappy is very mentally draining and to constantly try and please another person will take up most of your time.

Thus, you don’t take care of yourself the way you used to. You don’t exercise anymore, or take the time to rest. If you are sleeping badly and often worry about your relationship, this is, unfortunately, a sign that you are in a toxic relationship.

13. The communication is just not working

Toxic people are terrible at communicating and one of the biggest signs of a toxic relationship is that the communication is terrible.

You don’t feel heard. You don’t feel like your partner understands you. Every discussion ends with drama and hurt feelings.

Your partner keeps bringing up the same points and the same arguments until you admit that their worldview is the correct one.

Examples of bad communication

There are many ways the communication can go astray, for example, criticizing or belittling each other, getting defensive, and being passive-aggressive.

They put words in your mouth

Toxic people will also put words in your mouth and claim that you have said things you haven’t said. They will also have big problems delivering on all the promises they make, regardless of if it’s a material promise or they just promised to be better at listening to you.

Or they will do the opposite and give you the silent treatment, or abandon you for hours or even days. Whatever they do, you will know that the communication is just not there.

A final note

You might love him. You probably do love him. But love alone is not a reason to stay in a relationship.

In this case, love is what keeps you from seeing what’s really going on.

Love is keeping you from taking care of yourself and asserting your borders.

If you ask yourself if your relationship is toxic, it probably is. And if your relationship is toxic, the best thing you can do for yourself is to leave the relationship. Check out our guide to Ending Toxic Relationships.