And how to deal with jealous friends
We all have our moments of jealousy or its green cousin; envy. We might feel a pang of pain when we hear that someone we know has achieved something big. But most of us know that jealousy is destructive and irrational, and we quickly let it go. For a jealous person, on the other hand, the impulse of jealousy becomes impossible to resist. Knowing these 11 signs of jealous friends, you will know exactly what’s going on, and you will be better equipped to deal with the situation.
Jealousy is painful for the person suffering
The jealous person is always the person suffering the most. So treat your jealous friends with kindness. No one wants to be jealous. Having that said, it’s important to recognize when someone is being jealous of you.
Here are the 11 major signs:
- Jealous friends don’t seem happy on your behalf.
- They flaunt their success.
- They gossip.
- They give bad advice.
- They seem happy about your problems and set-back.
- They copy you.
- They keep the relationship on their terms.
- You feel worse about yourself and about your life after spending time with them.
- They treat life achievements on a lucky or life’s unfair scale.
- They are jealous of your other friends.
- They are acting in an irrational way.
Now, let’s do a deep dive to better understand how all of this is present in real life when you deal with jealous friends.
1. Jealous friends don’t seem happy on your behalf
Your jealous friend will try her best to act happy on your behalf. But she will soon point out something negative or make a comment that diminishes your victory.
You will sense that she is not genuinely happy on your behalf, and you will be right. This is one of the primary signs of jealous friends.
2. They flaunt their success
Jealous people are also very competitive, so when they achieve something, they want everyone to know.
If one of your friends often brags about her achievements on social media, you will know that her glossy surface hides a darker truth.
Most likely, she is locked in an ongoing competition with everyone around her.
3. Jealous friends gossip
Another clear sign of a jealous friend is that she likes to gossip.
When the two of you meet, she has a load of dirt to dish out about your other common friends or even about people whom you have never met.
She seems to relish when she talks about their problems, failures, and shortcomings.
She will give the same treatment to you
You have probably wondered what she is telling other people about you, and your instinct is correct. Together with other people, you are the material for her shit-show.
Gossiping is a strong sign that you are dealing with a jealous friend.
4. Jealous friends give bad advice
A good friend will give you good advice; she might tell you something you don’t want to hear, but only if the truth is in your best interest.
On the other hand, a jealous friend will tell you to do mean confronting actions or other forms of bad advice.
Sometimes you haven’t even asked for advice. She will still happily point you in the wrong direction.
Pay attention to her words
Next time you hang out, listen to what she is really telling you and ask yourself if that’s the best course of action?
Jealous people like drama, and they like to stir up drama by giving bad advice.
5. They seem happy about your problems and setbacks
Sure, a jealous friend will act like she feels sorry for you. She knows what correct behavior between people is supposed to look like.
But at the same time, you will get the feeling that she is a little bit happy, maybe even gleeful, when she finds out about your problems.
You will sense that your failures make her feel better. Secretly being satisfied when you have problems is a clear sign of jealous friends.
6. Jealous friends will copy you
Yeah, this is a weird one, and you might even be flattered. Envy is the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.
Jealousy and envy are closely connected.
She wants what you have
If you have a new boyfriend, your friend might try and flirt with him. She might also try and win over your other friends.
Another common sign is that jealous friends copy your style or take up the same interests that you have.
7. Jealous friends will keep the relationship on their terms
A jealous friend will not be there for you come rain or sunshine. Instead, she will carefully choose when she makes an appearance in your life. She might cancel plans or fail to show up at important moments in your life.
She doesn’t want to celebrate your success
Her jealousy will get the better of her, and she will come up with a valid excuse. But the truth is that she doesn’t feel particularly happy about your success.
Your friendship only exists when it is suitable for her and when she feels she got something to gain from the situation.
8. You feel worse about yourself and about your life after spending time with them
How someone makes us feel about ourselves is a good indicator of what’s really going on in the relationship. If you always feel emotionally drained or depressed after hanging out with a particular friend, the chances are that she is a jealous friend. Trust this sign.
She is critical of you
She might put you down in different ways during your interaction. The way she does this can be very subtle. But the result is clear. You leave the interaction feeling worse about yourself.
9. They treat life achievements on a lucky or life’s unfair scale
Do you have a friend who always tells you how lucky you are regarding the things you have achieved?
Lucky to find your partner? Lucky to advance in your career?
The truth is that you are lucky, but your achievements and victories are also always a result of hard work. Overemphasizing one part of this equation is a clear sign of a jealous person.
life is unfair to jealous people
Similarly, jealous friends will always blame all of their problems on them being unlucky or life being unfair to them.
10. Jealous friends are jealous of your other friends
One sure sign of a jealous friend is that she is uncomfortable with other close relationships you have in your life.
This can be your partner, your other friends, or even your family.
She will criticize them because talking negatively about them will make her feel closer to you. This is a strong indicator that she views everything that’s going on as a competition.
11. Jealous friends are acting in an irrational way
Jealousy is not rational. When someone is under the influence of the green-eyed monster, their logic will be flawed, and they might do strange things.
Their behavior is not consistent
They might call and text you all the time. Or they might try and control what you do in different situations. Another common sign of jealous friends is attacking you or your lifestyle choices. Or they might go in another direction and withdraw from your life.
Being distant and cold is a sign of a jealous friend.
Jealousy leads to all sorts of crazy behavior.
how to deal with jealous friends
When you realize you are dealing with a jealous friend, the first thing you have to decide is if the friendship is worth saving.
Our friends should have our back and make us better people. Our friends should inspire us and make us feel safe.
You might have to let her go
If your friend doesn’t live up to that criterion, the best thing you can do might be to cut her loose. Let the friendship fade out and see if you miss her. You can read our article about Ending a close friendship, to get clarity and extra support.
Love bombing is part of their repertoire
If you do miss her, that’s not in itself a sign that the friendship is worth keeping.
Toxic people are very good at a little thing called love-bombing (this phenomenon is not limited to romantic relationships).
Love bombing means they make you addicted to their positive feedback. To fully understand how this toxic pattern works, check out our article about Love bombing.
How to improve the friendship
If you do decide that you want to keep the friendship, there are different steps you can take to make the relationship healthier.
First of all, have a conversation with your friend and get her perspective on her behavior and comments. Maybe she is already aware of the problem and is working towards solving it?
A friend’s jealousy is not about you
The second thing you have to do is not to take their behavior personally. Jealousy, in all its different forms, is always about the person who is jealous. And jealousy always stems from a lack of self-esteem.
Be generous and realize your friend is just another struggling human, and her poison’s arrows are not aimed at you.
They are just her way of coping with her reality.
Be clear about what is not acceptable
The third thing you can do is to have clear borders. Be concrete and verbal with your friend about what you expect from her and from the friendship. Tell her how you feel when she does something that hurts your feelings.
We have a great article about How to repair a friendship. This will give you all the tools you need to improve your friendship.
Make sure you have alternatives
One common reason why we stay in a bad relationship is that we don’t have any alternatives.
So if you are stuck with a jealous friend, I recommend checking out our article How to make new friends in your 30s.
You deserve amazing friends, and I can assure you that these people are out there, just waiting for you to discover them.
A Final note
Maybe you read all these signs and realized that you yourself are guilty of some of these behaviors.
No need to worry.
We all suffer from jealousy from time to time. Jealousy is a natural part of being human. Acknowledge your jealousy, but don’t feed into it.
Jealousy is about insecurity
Jealousy stems from the thought that things exist in relationship to each other. But when it comes to life, opportunities are abundant. Just because your friend went on a holiday to Fiji doesn’t mean that you can’t go to Fiji. Jealousy is about flawed logic, question your jealousy, and you will discover that it is invalid.
If you want strong friendships, deal with the jealousy, both your own and the jealousy of your friends.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
